Tag Archives: Humor

I like reminders of why we dumped England

Brits are filthy pagans.

I feel no shame for speaking with such harsh words. If you’re a thinking man (sorry women, this one might be a bit above your pay grade) I’m sure you agree with me. In the history of this beautiful planet given to us by God above, there has not existed a breed of men so entrenched in their devious ways as those limey redcoats.

How has their reprehensible character been ascertained? Um, how hasn’t it been ascertained is the better question (zing!). In fact, if you can’t list out five reasons to despise the British right now then you yourself may be a Tory (you might not know it; Tories are similar to Cylons in that sense). Let me give you a few:

Number One: Boston Tea Party – I love tea and look at what they made us do.

Number Two: Cricket – Dumbest sport of all time. I can’t even watch it without getting a nosebleed from trying to figure out what in the world a wicket is.

Number Three: Amy Winehouse

Those should be enough to condemn any civilization.

But wait, there’s more. A few days ago I was enjoying my afternoon stroll around the interwebs when I came across a seemingly harmless educational series from the 70s entitled Look Around You. I began to watch an episode called “Music.”

Okay, I can’t really keep up the “I hate Brits” thing anymore because this thing is freaking hilarious. When I first stumbled across it, I thought it was real. My reaction was someting akin to how most of us (probably just guys) reacted the first time you saw pornographic material when you were way too young to know what was going on: a glazed over stare with intermittent “hur hur”s and confused head scratchings.

Yeah, it’s that good.

So watch at least one of these Look Around You videos in its entirety. Below, for your viewing pleasure, is the episode called “Music.”

PS – The guys who did this series are also in the process of inventing a religion, Tarvuism. Click the link to check it out.

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I like basking in the glory of America

chuck-norrisI’m working on a crossword puzzle and I could use some help. What’s a seven-letter word that means “something beautiful, to be sought after, to die for; something that makes us human and makes us happy; something for which even the tiniest little fetus yearns; that which gives me the mandate to carry a shotgun in my truck?”

The answer, my friends, is “f-r-e-e-d-o-m.” Freedom.

It’s what defines us as Americans. The lack of this precious commodity is what defines the rest of the world (and America, if Barack Obama gets his way) as eighth-world countries. It’s the smell that’s in the air in places like Texas, South Dakota, and all the other states that voted for John ‘Colonel Tigh‘ McCain. Freedom.

“But surely there must be freedom somewhere else besides America!” you say.

You think so? Well, it’s a commonly known fact that aside from Australia, the rest of the world is controlled either actively or passively by the Soviets. And what kind of people are Soviets?

See for yourself. Check out the new blog Яolcats: English Translations of Eastern-Bloc Lolcats to see exactly what you can look forward to if Barack Obama isn’t impeached immediately. Read closely and learn to fear.

Mother, if my constitution is unfit for gymnast… The grist mill shall become my pommel horse and daily labor my reward!

Mother, if my constitution is unfit for gymnast… The grist mill shall become my pommel horse and daily labor my reward!

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I like the weekend…it’s okay, go ahead and cut my face edition

Here’s a wonderful video from the guys over at Everything is Terrible (I wrote about them here). In this video, we are told everything we need to know about the joys of plastic surgery. Here’s a few things to watch for:

Scene 1: “…with plastic surgery on the cutting edge [no pun intended, I’m sure] of medical science, you no longer have to be content with what you have.”

Scene 2: Don’t even look at the speaker here, just check out the creepy ceramic wall art on the left.

Scene 3: Are these really the people you want on your video about the wonders of plastic surgery?

Scene 4: After a few minutes, I remembered where I had seen that haircut.

And now, with no further ado…

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I like Shirley Q. Liquor

There are too many potential toes that I could step on to write anything very funny about these videos. I couldn’t even pick a good picture to go with this post. So I’ll just give you a quick explanation and let you watch them and laugh until your brains explode.

Chuck Knipp is a white drag queen from Kentucky. His most famous character is a black woman from the deep South. Her name is Shirley Q. Liquor. Some people find the character offensive. I find their offense condescending. If you think this is the same as a minstrel show, you are ridiculous.

There aren’t many good videos of Shirley on the internet, but several people have made fan-vids of her work. Here are a few of my favorites:

Ebonics Airways … Different than the not-very-funny In Living Color sketch.

Homosexicals

K-Mark

Hamsters … Best lip sync ever. In addition to having a dozen more clips like this, this guy has a really interesting and informative video on gays in the military. If someone knows whether or not this policy still stands, let me know.

Okay, you’re not ridiculous if you find it offensive, but I strongly disagree. If you do find it offensive, I’d love to hear why.

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I like cooking with fire

fireThis is the story of how I got my girlfriend a police escort to my house for a surprise Valentine’s Day dinner. I promise I won’t post anything personal again. I don’t want this blog to actually be about me (just about what I like and can write wittily about), but this story was just too good not to share. Just in case you don’t think it’s as entertaining as it was to those of us who were there, I’ll post something else later on today. Anyway…

I have a girlfriend and I love to do nice things for her. So Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity for me to do something nice and make her happy as well as make myself look good. Real good.

And that was my goal for Saturday night: do nice things and be awesome. How did I plan to achieve those goals? Three words: Kick. Food. Ass. No, my plan didn’t involve kicking my girlfriend, eating some food, and showing my ass. Only one of those three things would make her happy and make me look awesome, and I’ll let you use your imagination as to which of the three it is.

Friends, to understand my plan, you need to put those three words into one imperative sentence: “Kick food ass.”

So with that as my mission I went super shopping on Friday to buy all the ingredients for my menu. Filet mignon with balsamic glaze: check. Asparagus cooked with chardonnay: check. Spinach and cranberry salad: check. Awesome cabernet sauvignon: check. I gathered all the raw materials. And on Saturday at 4 pm with my cooking schedule in hand I began to cook the feast.

Now, I don’t cook often, but the kitchen doesn’t scare me, and for this meal I was amply prepared with every kitchen tool available, hand-written note cards with the recipes on them, and a carefully planned schedule for when everything needed to happen so that when my girlfriend got to the house at seven expecting a low-key dinner of chicken bog (an Horry County specialty, but not very high class) she would be pleasantly surprised to see a gourmet dinner served to her in front of a crackling fire in the fireplace. And everything went smoothly until the last thirty minutes.

You see, the last thirty minutes was when I had to turn on the broiler, put in a cast-iron skillet, and heat our oven to roughly 500 degrees Fahrenheit to prepare to cook the steaks. Within ten minutes of putting in the skillet it was creating smoke ex nihilo which was filling our kitchen and, apparently, our smoke detectors. I’m used to smoke detectors going off, but what scared a bit of pee out of me was when the house alarm went off sending a brain-piercing wail throughout the house. No worries, though. The house alarm people called, and I assured them there was no fire.

Back to the kitchen to put the steaks in. Fire alarm goes off again, but this time no call from the house alarm people. Good. I keep cooking. Phone rings. It’s the landlord who promptly informs me that the house alarm people just called him to say that the fire department was on its way to my house. Sure enough, a medium-sized fire truck pulls up to my house with his lights on as I hang up with my landlord. Sprint to the door, explain there’s no fire, and lead the fireman into the kitchen to prove it.

It is now 7:05 and I see lights in the driveway. “She’s here,” I think to myself as I realize that I’m shaking from being so stressed about all the alarms going off and the food not cooperating. But it was not her. At least not in the first car. The first car was the police “back-up” for the fireman. The car which followed the cop car down our driveway, however, belonged to my girlfriend.

So instead of walking in to see me looking all sexy sitting in front of a fire with a feast awaiting her, she walked in to see me looking all sweaty standing in front of a smoky oven explaining to three of my housemates why there was a fireman walking through our house.

Surprise!

Despite the setbacks the dinner turned out great, and we had a good time. So even with the presence of a fire truck and cop car in my driveway when my girlfriend arrived, I think it was a successful Valentine’s Day.

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I like the weekend…comedic genius edition

Earlier tonight, I read a post by my friend Art (his blog, finitum non capax infiniti, is what I look forward to the most in my feed reader…and that’s only partly because he wrote a post about why I’m his hero) in which he wrote about the frustration of dealing with idiot-jerks in blog comments who make bombastic statements and then run away when they’re confronted by something they don’t like. One of the comments on a blog he pointed out in which this was happening reminded me instantly of this gem of a speech from Corky St. Claire.

That video led to several others which eventually led me to this series of videos from an interview show hosted by Ricky Gervais. Christopher Guest is the . . . guest, and he’s one of my favorite comedians. Here’s the first video of the series. Click here to see the rest.

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I like the weekend…exactly what I was thinking edition

This is the perfect response to the whole controversy.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “I like the weekend…exactly what I w…“, posted with vodpod

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