Category Archives: I like…

I like news

Yeah, I gave into the massive amounts of peer pressure being constantly heaped upon my head from the likes of Mark Traphagen, Randy Goff, and Dave Libbon. I joined Twitter. Here’s my profile; follow me. I’d suggest you give it a shot if you haven’t already started using it. Like most schedule 1 narcotics it takes some getting used to, but it’s worth it to have yet another way for the internet to suck away your time and motivation.
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What is greatness? It is Lex. She is the winner of the first ever What Chris Likes online game competition. She’s the only person who beat me. As for the rest of you: lay off the caffein and get some new glasses. This goes out to Lex (take a look at the chompers on Freddie):

Stay tuned for more competitions with actual prizes next time.

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I like reminders of why we dumped England

Brits are filthy pagans.

I feel no shame for speaking with such harsh words. If you’re a thinking man (sorry women, this one might be a bit above your pay grade) I’m sure you agree with me. In the history of this beautiful planet given to us by God above, there has not existed a breed of men so entrenched in their devious ways as those limey redcoats.

How has their reprehensible character been ascertained? Um, how hasn’t it been ascertained is the better question (zing!). In fact, if you can’t list out five reasons to despise the British right now then you yourself may be a Tory (you might not know it; Tories are similar to Cylons in that sense). Let me give you a few:

Number One: Boston Tea Party – I love tea and look at what they made us do.

Number Two: Cricket – Dumbest sport of all time. I can’t even watch it without getting a nosebleed from trying to figure out what in the world a wicket is.

Number Three: Amy Winehouse

Those should be enough to condemn any civilization.

But wait, there’s more. A few days ago I was enjoying my afternoon stroll around the interwebs when I came across a seemingly harmless educational series from the 70s entitled Look Around You. I began to watch an episode called “Music.”

Okay, I can’t really keep up the “I hate Brits” thing anymore because this thing is freaking hilarious. When I first stumbled across it, I thought it was real. My reaction was someting akin to how most of us (probably just guys) reacted the first time you saw pornographic material when you were way too young to know what was going on: a glazed over stare with intermittent “hur hur”s and confused head scratchings.

Yeah, it’s that good.

So watch at least one of these Look Around You videos in its entirety. Below, for your viewing pleasure, is the episode called “Music.”

PS – The guys who did this series are also in the process of inventing a religion, Tarvuism. Click the link to check it out.

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I like being honest about your shortcomings

You are lazy. It’s okay to admit it. Really, there’s nothing wrong with it.

Now that we’ve established that, stop whatever you’re doing right now and play this online game. It’s called The Eyeballing Game, and it’s delightfully addictive. Sorry that all I’ve got for you today is a little game, but I want to sleep more than six hours tonight so I’m not going to stay up late writing.

Also, I’d like to do a little experiment. I want to see how many people will actually comment if I ask them to. I want y’all to go play this game and leave a comment with your high score. My high score was 3.34. I’ll be surprised if more than five people comment on this, and I would guess that three will have a higher score than me.

There you go. The gauntlet has been thrown down.

Just as a parting gift to spur you on to Eyeballing excellence, I give you this picture: the creepiest doll ever created by humans.

shave

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I like basking in the glory of America

chuck-norrisI’m working on a crossword puzzle and I could use some help. What’s a seven-letter word that means “something beautiful, to be sought after, to die for; something that makes us human and makes us happy; something for which even the tiniest little fetus yearns; that which gives me the mandate to carry a shotgun in my truck?”

The answer, my friends, is “f-r-e-e-d-o-m.” Freedom.

It’s what defines us as Americans. The lack of this precious commodity is what defines the rest of the world (and America, if Barack Obama gets his way) as eighth-world countries. It’s the smell that’s in the air in places like Texas, South Dakota, and all the other states that voted for John ‘Colonel Tigh‘ McCain. Freedom.

“But surely there must be freedom somewhere else besides America!” you say.

You think so? Well, it’s a commonly known fact that aside from Australia, the rest of the world is controlled either actively or passively by the Soviets. And what kind of people are Soviets?

See for yourself. Check out the new blog Яolcats: English Translations of Eastern-Bloc Lolcats to see exactly what you can look forward to if Barack Obama isn’t impeached immediately. Read closely and learn to fear.

Mother, if my constitution is unfit for gymnast… The grist mill shall become my pommel horse and daily labor my reward!

Mother, if my constitution is unfit for gymnast… The grist mill shall become my pommel horse and daily labor my reward!

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I like Shirley Q. Liquor

There are too many potential toes that I could step on to write anything very funny about these videos. I couldn’t even pick a good picture to go with this post. So I’ll just give you a quick explanation and let you watch them and laugh until your brains explode.

Chuck Knipp is a white drag queen from Kentucky. His most famous character is a black woman from the deep South. Her name is Shirley Q. Liquor. Some people find the character offensive. I find their offense condescending. If you think this is the same as a minstrel show, you are ridiculous.

There aren’t many good videos of Shirley on the internet, but several people have made fan-vids of her work. Here are a few of my favorites:

Ebonics Airways … Different than the not-very-funny In Living Color sketch.

Homosexicals

K-Mark

Hamsters … Best lip sync ever. In addition to having a dozen more clips like this, this guy has a really interesting and informative video on gays in the military. If someone knows whether or not this policy still stands, let me know.

Okay, you’re not ridiculous if you find it offensive, but I strongly disagree. If you do find it offensive, I’d love to hear why.

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I like double-checking every single safety precaution at my disposal

safetyThere are some things that can never leave your brain. Once you’ve seen them or heard them or smelled them they will forever be on the tip of your cerebral cortex just waiting to come bounding back into your memory.

Some of these things are good and happy: the first time you saw a unicorn, the smell of napalm in the morning, the sounds of silence. Happy is the day when those sense-memories are triggered, leaving you with an inexplicable understanding that everything in the world is right and good.

Then there are horrible things that get stuck in your brain and will never, ever, ever leave. Images like this. And sounds like the scream of the woman in the first video I have for you today.

These videos are from the Workplace Safety & Insurance Board of Canada. Canadians are demented. It must be the cold. And the wild Eskimos.

Finally, here’s a sex-ed video from Canada. The last 8 seconds are better than any sex-ed commercial you’ll ever see in America or probably anywhere else in the world.

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I like good art and good dads

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the measure of a father is his ability to make lunches for his kids in the morning. My dad did it for me; his dad did it for him; I will do it for my kids someday. This is the way of fatherhood.

Another well-established fact is this: in elementary school the only thing that matters is having an awesome lunch box. When I was growing up I had a great GI Joe lunch box. Unfortunately it was offset by the fact that I had a white-boy spiky flat-top with a huge cowlick that turned it into some hollow Vanilla Ice-looking hairdo. There’s no recovering from that. Anyway, what if you could have an awesome lunch box custom made for you every single day?

Enter Lunch Bag Art. This is the photo blog of a dad who draws awesome things on his kids’ lunch bags every day. That’s it. Just pictures of cool lunch bags. It’s enough to get me wasting about twenty minutes, which is all I can ask for.

Here are a couple of my favorites:

HT: The Ridiculant

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